Confession: Last Week I Wanted to Commit Suicide

Trigger warning: Some readers may find contents of this post upsetting. Proceed with caution.

*Some identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the contributor.

Over the last few months, my mind has been racked with intrusive and escalating thoughts to commit suicide. Ever since my lover left me to get back with his ex-girlfriend, I feel powerless that my life will continue to be the same — sad and lonely. Last week, I reached my breaking point. Those thoughts felt very strong, and I wanted to kill myself. I did not want to live anymore, and I wished the pain would stop.

I feel devasted by these thoughts, but by the same token it feels neurologically comfortable — in other words, it feels seductive.

I tested my threshold for physical pain by picking at my skin with my nails. Not satisfied, I started to think I should poke the tips of my fingers with a 6-inch chef knife from the knife block set and cut my wrists and forearms; or take a mixture of pills from the medicine cabinet. I feel devasted by these thoughts, but at the same time, it feels neurologically comfortable — in other words, it feels seductive.

I did not want to get out of bed. I had breakfast at 1 pm. I brushed my teeth but did not take a shower. I threw on some baggy clothes and schlepped my way out of my home to work out at the park. While waiting for the pedestrian light to change, I thought about how I could run across the street in front of oncoming traffic to end my life. After that thought, the pedestrian light turned green. The subsequent reflection was more forgiving — I need help. And not just any kind of help, but professional help. And I’m afraid if I don’t get help soon I will attempt suicide.

On my way home from the park, my sister called to check on me, and I told her how I was feeling. I felt ashamed talking to her about it because I didn’t want to be a burden on her. She offered to spend a week with me so I wouldn’t be alone.

I need help…I’m afraid if I don’t get help soon I will attempt to commit suicide.

Its been a few days, and my sister encouraged me to seek professional help. I feel freaked out about the uncertainty of my life but feel more scared about what will happen to me if I don’t get professional help. I am worth being well.

Get Help: If you or someone you know is in a crisis, call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or call 911 immediately.

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