Recently, I let my true feelings be known to a man I adore but found out he’s unavailable. I’ve harbored feelings for nearly two years and decided to be brave. I should feel proud of myself for living my truth, but now I wonder if I made things between us awkward, or should I even dare say – made things forever worse.
I feel I’m getting the crumbs and leftovers, and the chosen one gets the full course dinner.
His reaction was not cruel (which is a bittersweet change from what I’ve experienced in the past from others), and he expressed how he hopes our friendship does not change. I feel torn with grief on how to move forward because the truth remains – he’s with someone else, and there’s nothing I can do about that.
Let the blaming games begin!
Honestly, I still feel like shit. I feel sad, guilty, and foolish.
I blame myself for how I misread the cues and failed to connect the dots. Everything felt genuine when it happened, but in retrospect, maybe those texts with hearts and faces with heart emojis weren’t much to fret over (those damn emojis, lol), and when he was being nice to me by sending playful texts it was probably his way of just being nice and nothing more. Or maybe I shared my feelings with him too late, and by some divine comeuppance, I’ve missed the opportunity.
Who knows, but somehow, I failed the exam. While everyone seems to be acing this love thing – there’s me alone, again.
The bargaining phase of grief is a real motherfucker. I should know.
I’m grieving a loss and trying to practice self-compassion. Working on my feelings is what I need to do to feel okay again. I have no idea when that will happen – feeling okay again. Who knows how long that will take? A few weeks or maybe longer. The thought of how long recovery will take irks me. I can’t rush it or force it. It’s a process, and I know this. But that does not stop my brain and body from wanting to take shortcuts.
I wish I could cut the painful emotions out of me like a surgeon removing a cancerous tumor, but I cannot.
Instead of ignoring the pain, I have to deal with it, sit with it, and feel it.
I already get the sense this relationship will be limited. I feel I’m getting the crumbs and leftovers, and the chosen one gets the full course dinner. Now, it begs the question – am I going to be okay with that? That is where I need to be honest and ask myself tough questions.
Also, what kind of friendship is possible, and how will I navigate this situation? The bargaining phase of grief is a motherfucker. I should know. If he talks about his girlfriend, do I put on a forced smile? Does he have to omit that part of his life? That would not be fair to anyone.
“Sure, we can still be friends, but I don’t want to hear about your girlfriend.” – Sarcasm.
I don’t want to throw it all away in the garbage, but I know this type of relationship would be very painful for me. Now faced with a decision and grim reality – find solace with the crumbs or have nothing.
When you’re in love with someone, it’s not easy just being their friend.
Wanting more than what he can offer is not fair to either of us. I don’t hate him. The opposite is true. The relationship is limited, and there is always the reminder he picked someone else.
He has his person, and I don’t have one.
So can we still be friends?
I know the answer, but I’m afraid to admit it.
